Testing, Testing, One Two Three...KONG!

Yes, well, nothing too exciting to see here.

Just me, hammering out a first entry here, testing this new car out. I want to see how she handles.

I should come back and edit this entry and thry out some of the other options. All of which are clearly at my disposal to better express myself. I see the run on sentance is in fine working order. Good. I'll get a lot of use out of that.

Hey, look at that, I can type in colors. I will have to find some sort of use for that.

I can't let this entire post be a total waste. I'll throw down some notes on a movie that I saw over the Christmas break. Since I am sure that sort of thing will interest you...

King Kong
Well, it had a big monkey in it. And many, many other creepy crawlies. Since it was an updated remake of a classic film, I LITERALLY knew everything that was coming up. Buncha guys on a log? I bet they get shook off.

Which reminds me of the new CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Same deal. I knew everything that was coming. Granted there were some aesthetic changes (hello, Mr. Bucket.) but they were minimal. Which leaves me to wonder why bother remaking things at all?
Ah well, because I and an army of other brain-dead viewers will pay to see the same movie again. That's why. The movie studios would be willing to resell you the same movie over and over again, with a tub of dog turds to chew on while you watched, if you let them.
All of which leads to a boring movie experience.

I long for new stories (i think I've read the Narnia books, thankyouverymuch) and new worlds to explore and new characters to meet. I guess I have to go to books and television for that. Modern movies have been co-opted by the boardroom and the Boardroom is disinterested in the new. They want familiar licenses to sell to a wide variety of consumers. So, its not financially smart, to invest in new stories, directors or films. Which leaves modern cinema hanging like a limp noodle, waiting for something to shake it up.

Which brings me back to King Kong, a movie I've already seen.
I thought it was pretty. I like to the look of 1933 New York. I hope that this movie opens up that era for more films. I'd LOVE to see Captain America set in the 1940s. More stuff like SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW, only this time give us a plot that cooks along. Instead of a slow, methodical crawl.

I would give the big monkey 2 out of 4 stars. And probably rewatch it when it comes on cable. There are some genuinely brutal and gross stuff in the movie, though. If I never see Andy Serkis being ripped apart by swamp slugs again, that would be fine by me.

My mom hated it. As did a lot of people leaving the theater. I wanted to slap the ones who said, "I didn't know he DIED AT THE END! That sucked. " I don't know how they avoided THAT spoiler. It's only been in every version of the movie ever made.

Speaking of other versions, let me briefly touch upon an overlooked classic, the 1976 King Kong. I like it. More than I want to admit. I really like it. I think Grodins letter perfect in that movie. His squishing, late in the film, is a pleasure. I remember being repulsed and fascinated by it, as a child. On a similar note, I love the shot of Kong walking across the crowd, squishing people. They're left in Footprint sized masses, wiggling behind him. I want to see that footage, without Kong superimposed over it. I want to see the three groups drop to the group and wiggle, on cue. That would be very funny to me.

Jeff Bridges is wonderfully charismatic in that movie, despite the fact that he spends the last 20 minutes of the movie, watching the shit go down, mouth agape. I even forgive him for his Grizzly Adams beard. Because I'm not watching it...

I am watching young, perfect, sweet, dumb Jessica Lange as Dwan. (a name that she chose for herself. She used to be "Dawn" but then she switched the W and the A to make "Dwan". To make herself more "memorable to casting agents.") Dwan is the radiantly hot girl that you sit next to at a party, tolerating her lengthy dissertations on astrology, all to get to the sublime pleasure of having her remove her top for you, after everyone else has gone home. And despite your exhaustion and the headfull of mush that you've endured to get there, the moment of disrobing is worth it all.

Kong knew this. He grabs her up, runs off and heads where? To a waterfall, of course, to wet that little napkin that she's wearing down properly. Then he tries to take it off with his giganto fingers. Talk about heavy petting. Then he blows her dry, one too many times. A sequence that lasts FOREVER and features animatronic monkey cheeks, blowing and blowing and blowing. If it weren't for Lange's orgasmic roll around in the monkey's palm, the seuence would be intolerable. Naturally, her efforts are appreciated. She's having a GREAT TIME, rolling around in the monkey hand, panting and moaning. And God Bless her for doing it. She deserves to be a movie star for that.

As long as we're on the topic, I can't digress writing about the 76 Kong without pointing out a few other things that I absolutely love about it.

-When Kong is revealed to the paying audience, which is apparently seated in Disneylands PARKING LOT, he is brought out, dressed as a Gas Station Pump. Lord Help Me, they made the Giant Monkey wear a Gas Station Pump costume. (Because he was found by an oil company, you see?) And when they pull it off, they've tarted Kong up in a crown of some sort. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Kong is understandably unhappy about it. I would rampage too.

I imagine a different movie, where Kong is discovered by a Tampon Manufacturer and is displayed to the audience, dressed as ...well... you get the idea.

-Also featured in the scene where Kong busts loose, is the only two shots featuring the GIANT ROBOT MONKEY that producer Dino De Laurentiis had gotten so much press about. De Laurentiis had actually promised that the entire movie would be shot with GIANT ROBOT MONKEY and people were understandably impressed. That turned out to be an impossibility and instead we get Tom Savini, wandering around in a passable suit, acting about as monkey-like, as your grandmother after she gets up from a short nap. Which is to say, not at all.
The GIANT ROBOT MONKEY is not wasted, though. He makes two appearances in the Bustin' Loose sequence. You can't miss them. Look for the palsied monkey, ass stuck out, face devoid of expression, barely moving his arms. He honestly looks like he has Spina Bifida. No wonder he barely gets used. But those two awful moments are delightfully bad. Enjoy the terrible posture.

You can learn the entire story about GIANT ROBOT KONG and how and why it came to be by visiting this excellant site...

http://www.pulpanddagger.com/canuck/Kong_rob.html

Right, so the new King Kong, 2 out of 4 stars.
The 1976 King Kong? Also 2 out of 4. But they're a lot more fun. (And a little raunchy, too. )
The 1933 King Kong? I don't know, I couldn't finish it. The dialogue is bad enough to make me want to punch someone.

There, first blog entry. Done.

There's some profanity sprinkled within.

And some mean, cruel things said about the handicapped.

I also threw in a GIANT ROBOT MONKEY.

The only thing that would be better would be if I attached a link to a "costume malfunction" from the 1976, Kong. Poor Jessica Lange, that top wasn't as durable as you hoped. Adolescent boys everywhere thank you!!!

Something like this.
(Clicking on the above link will produce an image that is Not Safe for a Work Enviroment, Dear Friends. Be forewarned.)

Cheers,
COB out...